An EXCLUSIVE Interview With Someone I Met on Xbox Live

A near-universal complaint people seem to have with playing random games online with people around this god-forsaken world is that they don't seem to be very nice. They're yelling stupid inane shit over the speakers all the time, referencing tired-ass internet memes constantly, using extremely derogatory language, and asking complete strangers to performs acts most of us would rather not perform.

But, being the amazing award-winning intrepid journalist general that I am, I decided I was better than most people merely by asking myself if there was perhaps some way to rectify this. Perhaps it wasn't that these people were using anonymity to commit hate crimes that would otherwise land them in jail or prison without consequences. Perhaps we, the people they're so desperately -- ineffectively -- trying to communicate with are the problem. I decided to get to know some of the people that regularly are seen as the vile half-bred step-child of 4Chan and see if there was perhaps something to this. I entered an online shooter match and let the sparks fly, as they say. I don't say it because I'm too creative to do so.

(The following conversation contains some very strong language. So strong it could break your...heart.)

SrsGmzJourno: Hey guys. Running a thing for a popular website and wanted to talk to you guys abou--

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: DUDE THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM OH MY GOD WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TEAMKILL. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY DUDE YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING F-----? NOOB [unintelligible] SERIOUSLY WHY.

ShadowKilla: What? Dude, I just threw a grenade! YOU'RE A LITTLE PUSSY N----- WHO CAN'T TAKE SHIT MAN

SrsGmzJourno: Guys, if I could --

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: NO DUDE YOU WERE JUST SPAMMING GRENADES YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH-ASS ASSHOLE YOU DONT, FUCKING, SPAM, GRENADES, AND JUST DO IT ON OUR BASE SHIT MAN FUCK

SrsGmzJourno: Guys!

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: Fuck you want, bitch?

SrsGmzJourno: A moment of your time to talk about --

Da_Sniperkiller334: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-FFFFFFFF-FFFFFFF....FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-FFFFFFFFF-FF-FF-FFFFFFFFff........FFFFF

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT DUDE TURN YOUR FUCKING MIKE OFF

Da_Sniperkiller334: FFFFFFF-FFFFF-FFFFFFFFFFFFf-FFFFFFFFFFF-FFFFF-FFFFFFFFFFFFf-FFFFFFFFFf-FFFFF-FFFFFFFFF

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: DUDE SERIOUSLY KNOCK THAT SHIT THE FUCK OFF I'M GONNA COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE --

Da_Sniperkiller334: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: RAPE YOUR FUCKIN MOM 'CAUSE YOU LIVE WITH HER

Da_Sniperkiller334: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: KILLER AND FIND YOUR SHIT-FUCKING ASS AND FUCKING RAPE YOUR MOUTH

Da_Sniperkiller334: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: OH MY GOD I'M MUTING YOU. SERIOUSLY THESE ASSHOLES WITH THEIR FUCKING MICS MAN.

(at this point, I also mute Da_Sniperkiller334's microphone, feeling that he has nothing else to add to the conversation. The match is about to start.)

SrsGmzJourno: What's your background?

(The match has begun.)

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: What?

INDESTRUCIBLE_45: BITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHFAGGOT

SrsGmzJourno: Why is it that --

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: SHIT THERE HE GOES A FUCKING GAIN. YOU DON'T FUCKING THROW THAT SHIT IN THE FUCKING [unintelligible] FOR SHIT.

ShadowKilla: (laughs) Dude really? Fuck man, get that dick out of your throat. People would listen to you more if you didn't sound like you had a dick in your throat.

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: FUCK YOU F----- SHUT UP YOU N-----. I DON'T TAKE SHIT FROM FAGGOTS WHO TEAM--I'll be there in a sec. Mom, I'm online! I can't right now! In a bit!

(There's a distant voice that sounds like its' telling xX NoSeCaNdY Xx "Right now,")

xX NoSeCaNdY Xx: MOM I'M ONLINE. SHI--

(The sound is suddenly cut off. The rest of the match proceeds with a series of "Oh my god, that was bullshit," and "Fuck, how the fuck did he kill me? There is no way." cycles. xX NoSeCaNdY Xx disconnects at the end of the match.)

183_INDABOUY: (Laughs) What a fucking bitch. Her mom's probably hot though. I'ma fuck her.

ShadowKilla: Fuck yeah, man!

(I left the chatroom. These people are degenerates. Though I will say Mr. Candy was entirely justified. I also received a friend request from xX NoSeCaNdY Xx later that day.)