Microsoft admits schizophrenia, healing process begins

In an effort to confuse potential customers regarding their upcoming Xbox 360 motion controller, now renamed “Kinect”, Microsoft has both confirmed and denied a retail pricetag of $150. Multiple online retailers have had the device listed at the $150 price point for over a week now, but earlier today the official Microsoft store put up a Kinect pre-order page matching that price.

Conversely, Xbox Live Group Manager Aaron Greenberg announced via Twitter that any retail “estimates” are “purely speculative”. Immediately after sending the tweet, Greenberg unbuttoned his shirt, tousled his own hair, and levitated over Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Hotel to complete what he referred to as a “mindfreak”.

“This strategy is nothing new for Microsoft or Xbox, for that matter”, remarked Larry Hryb- Xbox Live’s Director of Programming and self described “reluctant media darling”. Hryb continued, “Surprisingly, confusion moves product. Think about it- we haven’t had a single SKU on retail shelves since the launch of the original Xbox. Shit, they make me go by no fewer than two names at a time so I’m ‘in line with the company image’. I don’t even know what ‘Major Nelson’ is supposed to mean”.

Reacting to Microsoft’s apparent two-faced marketing strategy, SCEA President (whose name escapes me as he is completely unremarkable in every way) stated, “Gamers won’t stand for silly marketing jargon like this. We here at Sony are offering a platform for hardcore gamers that integrates motion control as well. Unlike Kinect, we’ve nailed down pricing for Playstation Move at somewhere between $40 and $150, depending on your current setup. Here, take a look at this flow chart to determine how much Move will cost you.”

Accurately predicting my next question, he added, “I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no- I have no sense of irony whatsoever.”

Meanwhile, on a secret Moon base, Satoru Iwata cackles wildly- his ultimate plan finally coming to fruition.

Yes! All will be mine!