Final Fantasy VII remake officially announced

Shocking news for many long-time fans of the franchise, SquareEnix officially announced a current generation remake of their bestselling Playstation title Final Fantasy VII earlier today. Details in the announcement were scarce, but I was invited to attend a press conference at SquareEnix headquarters for more on this highly anticipated Q4 2011 release.

Upon arriving at the press conference, it quickly became apparent that I was the only reporter in attendance. Strange circumstance, but not entirely impossible considering the announcement was made only today, right?

SquareEnix CEO Yoichi Wada and Final Fantasy VII Director Yoshinori Kitase approach the podium at the front of the large, suspiciously empty room. Wada begins, “It’s common knowledge that Final Fantasy VII is the best video game ever. We wanted to wait until the technology caught up in order for us to make the best, most fully-featured remake possible.”

Kitase added, “Our aim is to create the remake our fans wanted. To that end, we’ll be implementing everything that has been suggested to us by our most esteemed fan, Travis McReynolds.”

“Holy shit”, said me.

Yep, he's in the game.

Kitase smirked, “That’s right, Travis. You want NFL legend Troy Aikman as a playable character? Done. Remove the CPR mini-game? No problem. Include a weird sexual fetish mini-game with Tifa? If you say so, but keep it between you and me.”

Needless to say, I’m thrilled. I respond, “This is… incredible. Thanks, guys!”

Sensing his opportunity, Wada reacts by leaping over the podium, yanking down my pants, and shouting, “Psych!” He and Kitase run from the room giggling. I overhear Kitase remark, “Hey Wada, let’s go see if we can trick that Alex guy into buying another box of 3D glasses.”

Assholes.