President Obama banishes video games to hell

Exercising a little-known executive power that has gone unused since the Van Buren administration, President Barack Obama officially banished video games to Hell early Tuesday morning. The legislation, colloquially known as the “Go Outside and Play” act, was signed into law effective immediately leaving many in the video game industry stunned and without a job.

In an effort to defend the act, President Obama held a press conference earlier today with several notable names from the gaming industry. Among the attendees were Satoru Iwata of Nintendo, Bobby Kotick of Activision, and Billy what’s-his-face from that Donkey Kong movie. You know the one.

Said Obama of the act, “This has been a long time coming. Video games have been poisoning our youth since their inception and the United States will be better off without them. Seriously, what the hell is a Katamari? It sounds like some kind of seafood, but it’s not; I checked.”

In the interest of brevity, the President’s remarks have been pared down considerably for the purpose of this article. The press conference ran a little over three hours and, at the risk of losing The Game Inquisitor’s credibility, I’ve gotta say it was really just Mr. Obama complaining about how games these days are hard and don’t make any sense.

Another excerpt from the President’s remarks, “Have you played a Mario game lately? Not one of those bullshit off-shoot things where he’s playing baseball or skateboarding or whatever, like a main-line Mario title? They’re garbage. They don’t even have goombas in them anymore. I’d advise the American people to avoid these games, but I don’t have to. I just banished that shit to Hell.”

The Republican Party, now courting the ever-elusive Sith Lord constituency, was quick to respond to the US’ first ever banishment. Chairman Michael Steele said in a statement this afternoon, “Americans should be free to play any video game they choose. Video games are a recognized form of free speech and the GOP will not take this offense lying down. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.”

Perhaps the most overlooked element of this breaking story, the newly jobless from the now defunct video game industry, were addressed near the end of this morning’s press conference. Said the President, “I’d like to take a moment to directly address those in attendance and watching around the world whom were previously employed in the video game industry. Suck it. Did you hear me, fellas? Suck it.”

Fuck 'em.

Bobby Kotick was overheard replying, “Yeah, we heard you, asshole.”