An evening with Gex; Snarky no more, just pissed

I've managed to land an interview or two in the last year. Still, when I logged into my email inbox -- prepared to send out a few new requests for interviews -- I was shocked to find a request already sitting in wait for me. I didn't even have to ask this time, as one of the former stars of video games himself, Gex, was asking me to interview him.

Honestly, he came off a little desperate, so I felt bad for him. I agreed to meet him at a local coffee shop, as he said he didn't have room for me at his home. When I arrived he motioned me over from a table in one of the dark back corners. He had sunglasses despite being inside, and a coat with the collar popped up.

"Hey, uh... trying to stay low because of the... fame?" I asked.

"Not exactly." He responded, seemingly annoyed.

Just then the waitress walked up to ask if we wanted anything. She stopped briefly and stayed wonderingly at Gex. "Um, are you, that Geic..."

She hadn't even finished her sentence and Gex had raised his hand and hung a big middle finger in her face, then used it to wave her away.

"Did she mistake you for that Geic..." I started before I was cut off.

"Don't! You better not have any questions about that fuck. I'm not answering them." He snapped.

"Did you..."

"I WAS FAMOUS BEFORE HIM! WHAT, 90s SNARK IS DEAD AND STUPID FUCKING ACCENTS ARE IN?! MAYBE IF I HAD SOME BULLSHIT ACCENT LIKE THAT GEICO COCKSUCKER I COULD SELL WHATEVER PIECE OF SHIT I WANTED TO!" Boomed Gex. Most of the coffee shop had stopped talking and we're staring at us from the corners of their eyes. Gex slunk down in his chair a bit and did the middle finger wave off he'd given the waitress to the entire establishment.

"Right, well then." I shuffled my notes a bit, flipping past the large section of Geico Gecko questions I had written. "You worked with Marliece Andrada, a Playboy Playmate and Baywatch cast member, and pretty famously shot an advertising photo in which you parodied the Janet Jackson picture with a man reaching from behind and covering her exposed breasts. Was there any controversy about the sexual nature of that ad?"

"Kid, that was the age of risqué video game advertising. I'm just surprised there weren't many rumors about us being involved." He responded suavely, crossing his legs.

"Uh, were you?" I inquired.

"Psssh, she wishes. I could have any woman I wanted then, and I certainly took advantage of it."

"But, uh... how did that... work? I mean, wouldn't that violate laws?" I danced around asking about bestiality outright. After his last explosion, I wasn't sure I wanted to ask the "tough questions".

"How many other talking, anthropamorphic geckos the size of an adult male do you see walking around? What? You think I should be fucking a female gecko the size of my hand? I'm pretty sure there are worse laws out there for ripping something in half. Leave the geckos for that Geico fuck, they don't know shit about pleasing their man."

"Uh, right." I responded, slightly disturbed by the images he had managed to place in my mind. "So, you showed off a lot of skills in your games given the nature of the TV channel levels. You went from being a gunslinger in a western, to a martial arts master in the span of a few minutes. Were those all genuine skills?"

"Psssssh, fuck no."

"So, what do you plan on doing now, considering your only marketable skill is being a snarky mascot when those are out of vogue now."

"Be a snarky mascot. You can't tell me that Sony isn't desperate enough to dip into the well of old marketing ideas. I mean, who do they have to help them sell products? Kratos? Yeah, tell me how that works out."

"Um, well, I think a lot of people think that Kevin Butler has been doing a pretty good job."

Gex doesn't say anything at this point, he just stares at me coldly. It feels as though at least five minutes pass, but it may have only been 30 or so seconds. When he finally speaks, he does so as he's getting up from his chair. "You know what, kid? I'm really busy right now. Lots of things to do -- meetings, and rehearsals, and... other... jobs." And in a few seconds he's out the door.

I'm not entirely sure what Gex has planned for the future, but I know one thing for sure; It's going to be extremely snarky. Or not. Actually, chances are it'll just be sitting in his easy chair at four in the afternoon, drunk and yelling at Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, that's probably the best bet.