EXCLUSIVE REVIEW: Deadly Premonition

When my review copy of Deadly Premonition arrived in the mail about 20 minutes late¹, I didn't know what to expect from the budget-horror title. The review was due in a week, and I was too busy watching awful movies that didn't mean anything ² to be bothered to review a game that didn't already have some sort of buzz surrounding it. But, I bucked up around 7 p.m., dizzy from being so full of myself, and sat down and started the game up.

Holy graham cracker-filled wheelbarrows, did Deadly Premonition surprise me. After checking the achievements as another test to see if the game was worth playing, I watched the beginning cutscene in utter awe. Not the sort of awe you feel in your stomach after seeing two puppies cuddle -- the sort of awe that you get in your gut when you found out that thing about Locke being a girl. I was literally so amazed by the kinds of gravitas that this game had in its first cutscene that I deleted Braid from every machine I had it installed on -- three, in case you're wondering -- in anticipation for the god-damned art I was about to get myself into.

Deadly Premonition is as much of a Twin Peaks ripoff as we're going to get in the young medium of video games ³. Your job is to investigate the murder of someone whose name I've forgotten and hunt down the origin of the vomitable nails that come out of everyone who dies during your investigation. Many of the characters and events you'll come across in Sunnyvale -- the quiet village where the game takes place -- are lifted almost directly from Twin Peaks, though I was too busy admiring the game for how creative and interesting it was to notice. The story has plenty of twists of turns, and, much like its inspiration, gets into some heady shit, most of which I didn't really get the first time I played through it⁴.

So don't be offended if you don't "get" it at first. All of the awfulness on the production end of things is there to keep you focused on the incredible power of Deadly Premonition's storytelling. Why make more than five enemy character models when the combat doesn't really matter? When you're slogging through the waves of enemies for the hours you're going to spend in poorly rendered hallways of various kinds of fascinating materials, does it really matter that the reload animation leaves you vulnerable for 10 seconds (not that I counted)?

Does it matter that something as simple as crouching can end up killing your if you're not careful? Does it matter that the staggered limping animation you enter when you're injured dooms you about 90% of the time? Does it matter that the map is useless and that the menu and interface is as archaic as wiping your ass with toilet paper⁵? Does it matter that the animations are all so overacted so as to take any amount of weight from any scene? Does it matter that the game implements a completely idiotic hunger and fatigue mechanic that affects your strength? The answer you've likely been foraging for in your nose is "no".

It isn't that the game is so bad it's good, either; that would be saying a negative thing. It's that it's so good it's so bad it's incredible. I've never played anything like it, and probably won't because I'll be let down by bloated expectations. When Agent Francis York Morgan repeats an animation where he points to himself for no good reason -- probably to remind himself the he's the one solving the case -- and takes way too long to press a button, you can't help but think "Wow! This game is everything I've wanted from a piece of shit!"

See, the more I played through Dead Premonition, the more I realized that it's impossible to hate it. And if it is possible, it certainly isn't cool. No one is going to listen to you when you're trying to point out the aforementioned flaws; the people who are right, the people who love Deadly Premonition, will be too busy shaking their heads and quietly laughing at you as they condescend you for only liking games that are competent in execution. If you don't like Deadly Premonition, you simply aren't "getting" it. As a statement for saying that games are more valuable a product than food, you, as someone who plays video games, must defend the honor of this game without fail.

Now, in case you had any reservations left, here's the final piece of information you need: It's only $20. There. I've won this review. Nothing you could say about the value of your time can save your from buying this game now. You can't call out any of the title's faults because poor them, Ignition is releasing a game that doesn't cost $60. Your time is not worth more than Deadly Premonition, and neither are you. Buy this shit.

EXCLUSIVE UPDATE: The recently released PlayStation 3™ version of the game will not work when inserted into an Xbox 360™, so I must begrudgingly assign it the unfathomably low score of 8.5/10.

¹ Trust me, that fucking mailman is going to get his. And yeah, it was a Mailman
² And subsequently writing long, overwrought pieces about how they're destroying our culture. Obviously.
³ Yup. Sure is.
⁴ Not that I bothered going through it again. The game is too amazing to have my initial memories tarnished.
⁵Seriously, why the fuck are we still doing that? Might have to write an important diatribe about it...