Gamer jumps off bridge, dies for points

Belding, Michigan -- Avid video game enthusiast Chip Dibson made the ultimate sacrifice for his hobby this weekend. The twenty two year old McDonalds employee was found washed up down river after having thrown himself off of the local bridge. While police were investigating ways to blame a form of popular media on the death, they noticed that the iPhone clutched in his dead hands was opened to the game "Epic Win."

The popular "app" gives players the ability to create a "to-do" list of day-to-day chores, and then earn "points" for their "character" as they "complete" items on the "list." Police say Chip's brother, Gus, has confessed to putting "Jump off of bridge" on his brother's to-do list within the game.

"He plays that game constantly, and I always joked that he would do anything on his list despite the consequences just to get all of the possible points. So I snuck into his room when he was sleeping and added "Jump off of bridge" to his list. When he woke up, he yelled at me about it and said he had to do it now so he could complete his list. I didn't think he was serious." said Gus in the police report.

Susan Uppity, a psychologist frequently quoted when news sources need someone to help vilify video games, said that this was sure to only be the beginning of such incidents. "Video games are destroying our lives." she yelled while standing behind the reporter at the scene as she tried to interview one of the police officers. "It's only a matter of time before all aspects of a civilized society are gone and murder is rampant in the streets! 99.6% of suicide and murder is caused in some tangential way by video games!"

Police Chief Jim Johnson said that they'd be charging Gus Dibson with involuntary manslaughter and it would be up to the courts to set the precedent by finding him guilty. "It's sad, really, but an incident like this is necessary to make the country wake up." he said passively while playing Peggle on his iPhone. "That Uppity chick is right. Games are poisoning our children's--Dammit! Fucking Bjorn!"